Bartlet: Isn't there a joke to be had with lawsuits and dry cleaners? I've been working on it all day.
Josh: You've been working on other stuff though too, right?

Toby: It's not going to be a big deal.
Sam : Isn't that what we usually say right before something becomes a big deal?

Abbey: I got a letter from Amy Gardner.
Josh: Yeah, I was cc'ed on that letter.
Abbey: She seems pretty irate.
Josh: Amy Gardner's always irate about something. I wouldn't give it a lot of thought.
Abbey: I happen to agree with her.
Josh: Me too, and I think it deserves a lot of thought.
Abbey: I thought you might.
Josh: I was kidding.
Abbey: I don't care.
 

Bartlet: Did the Celtics win last night?
Charlie: No, they got crushed.
Bartlet: Okay, when I say 'Did they win?' you can just say yes or no.
Charlie: They got pretty well crushed.

Sam: You know the President's being sued, right?
Leo: I'm sorry?
Sam: The President's being sued.
Leo: Oh, the guy from the planet Zanzibar.
Sam: Xanadu. No. The seatbelts.
Leo: Yeah, I saw. That's not going to be anything.
Sam: The Washington Times is running it under 'Bartlet Accused of Contributory Negligence'.
Leo: I didn't think the Washington Times could spell all those words.
Sam : Yeah, page 29, below the fold.
Leo: There's a fold that deep in the paper?
 

 Josh: I went to see Amy and show her who's boss.
 CJ: Yeah. What was the outcome on that?
 Josh: I'm not really sure.

CJ: You know, if I was living in Qumar, I wouldn't be allowed to say 'Shove it up your ass, Toby,'  but since I'm not: Shove it up your ass, Toby!

Bartlet: You know that line you're not supposed to cross with the President?
CJ: I'm coming up on it?
Bartlet: No, No. Look behind you.

Bartlet: I could fund this initiative out of my own pocket.
Toby: It's ten million dollars.
Bartlet: Leo could fund this initiative out of his own pocket.

Bartlet: Stuffing should be stuffed inside a turkey, am I correct?
Hotline Operator: It can also be made in casserole dish.
Bartlet: Well, then we’d have to call it something else, wouldn’t we?
Hotline Operator: I suppose.
Bartlet: If I cook it inside the turkey, is there a chance I could kill my guests? I'm not saying that's necessarily a  deal-breaker.
 

Donna; Did you just decide you're going home for Thanksgiving?
Josh: No. I thought I was going to Connecticut.
Donna: Why?
Josh: Because that's where the house is.
Donna: Your mom sold the house ten months ago.
Josh: I made a mistake.
Donna: You forgot where your mother lives?
Josh: I'm from Connecticut! Okay? And like a swallow to Capistrano, I have to... Just find me a flight would you?
 

Donna: I'm telling your mother you forgot where she lives.
Josh: You're the girl I made fun of in elementary school, you know that?
Donna: Yes, I do.
 

Josh : I need to get there about an hour before an eight o'clock flight would take off.
Donna: That would be around seven?
Josh: I haven't done the math.

Bartlet: With the ingredients for stuffing, you have to cook them before you put them in the turkey, and you're not gonna know whether I did or not.
Abbey: I'll do what I always do with anything you cook. I'll wait for the girls to eat it first.
Bartlet: Me too.
 

Tawny "Here's a woman who gets naked, covers herself completely in chocolate and sings. Does that appeal to you?"
Toby "By and large, I'm not wild about musicals."
 

Sam: Excuse me, but there's such a thing as...
Bruno: What?
Sam: There's such a thing as...
Bruno: What?"
Sam: Okay, we're going to sit quietly for a moment.
Bruno: Okay.
Sam: Leadership by example! There's such a thing as leadership by example!
 

Donna: That's why somebody wants to become president? Medical research and the internet?
Josh: She's got a point.
CJ: Sometimes you get your face on a coin.

Josh: Why do you want to be President?
Bartlet: I don't.
Josh: Well, we'll put that in the hopper and show you a draft.

Tawny: The artist destroys all his belongings in front of a Starbucks in Haight-Ashbury.
Sam: I've done that a couple of times... didn't know there was funding for it.

Bruno: I like this.  Why does it worry me?
Sam: Because it's not amoral?

Bartlet: They're going to miss hot pumpkin soup with a cheese gnocchi and a chèvre brioche.
Leo : Yeah.
Bartlet: That's a pretty big price to pay just to override my veto.
 

Sam: This country is populated with unbalanced people, many of whom find their way to Washington, as if the continent funnels them into this one spot.

Sam: Production requires the mining of millions of tons of copper and zinc each year.
Josh: Zinc?
Sam: In 1982, they changed the composition to 97.5% zinc and only 2.5% copper.
Josh: Sam..."
Sam: I'm turning into one of the funnel people.
Josh: Yeah.

Toby: We're a group. We're a team. From the President and Leo on through, we're a team. We win together, we lose together, we celebrate and we mourn together. And defeats are softened and victories sweetened because we did them together. And if you don't like this team... then, there's the door. It's great to be in the know. It's great to have the scoop, to have the skinny, to be able to go to a reporter and say, 'I know something you don't know.' And so the press becomes your constituents and you sell out the team. So, an item will appear in the paper tomorrow, and it will be embarrassing to me and embarrassing to the President. I'm not going to have a witch hunt. I'm not going to huff and puff. I'm not going to take anyone's head off. I'm simply going to say this: you're my guys. And I'm yours... and there's nothing I wouldn't do for you.
 

CJ: I changed my clothes because I didn't think it was appropiate to talk about two dead teenagers while wearing a ball gown and you know that because you're stupid but you're not stupid, you know what I'm saying? Security's gonna take your press credentials, you'll call my office everyday, and I'll decide if you get into the room. I'm taking your spot on Pebble Beach, you can do your stand-ups from Lafeyette Park.
Sherri:  How the hell do you-
CJ: One more word out of your mouth and every local station but yours gets an exclusive with the President.  Hunting season on me is over.
 

Donna: I grew up on a farm.
Josh: You grew up in a condo.
Donna: I grew up near a farm. And it was cute and it was peppy. And I always did well on my 19th Century English Literature midterm until you came along and sucked me into your life of crime!
Josh: Hey, I'm not the-
Donna: White collar crime boy. You know what they do to a girl like me on the cell block? I've seen those movies.
Josh: Yeah, me too.
Donna: I bet you have.
Josh: Look-
Donna: Sell my farm girl ass for a carton of Luckys.

Carol: When a fire starts, it's not our policy to put it out?
CJ: That's something they shouldn't say. Put that in the memo with a big red circle and a line going through it.

CJ: Leo, we need to be investigated by someone who wants to kill us just to watch us die. We need someone perceived by the American people to be irresponsible, untrustworthy, partisan, ambitious, and thirsty for the limelight. Am I crazy, or is this not a job for the U.S. House of Representatives?

Leo: Campos took some courtside seats.
Bruno: Campos traveled from Los Angeles to Indianapolis to watch Cleveland and Indiana. They don't travel from Cleveland to Indianapolis to watch Cleveland and Indiana.
 

Doug:  A million dollars isn't what it used to be.
Toby: And they don't make good yachts anymore.

CJ: I want you to get with one of your friends in the press room from a conservative paper.
Ainsley: You really think we have a secret handshake, don't you?
CJ: Do you?
Ainsley: Yes.

Donna : Why are you a Republican?
Cliff: Because I hate poor people. I hate them, Donna. They're all so poor, and many of 'em talk funny, and don't have proper table manners... my father slaved away at the Fortune 500 company he inherited so that I could go to Choate, Brown and Harvard and see that this country isn't overrun by poor people and lesbians....
 

Cliff: You agree with that?
Donna: No, it's crap, but you're really cute.

Bartlet: Josh.
Josh: Yes sir.
Bartlet: A ballerina?
Josh: Yeah, I... I didn't know... what it was at the time... I... I liked the word.
Bartlet: We'll go with that for now.
 

Bartlet: I'm just saying, it could have been worse: I could have been an astronaut.
Abbey: You could not have been an astronaut.
Bartlet: I would have been a great astronaut.
Abbey: You're afraid of heights, speed, fire, and small enclosed spaces.
Bartlet: I'd have dealt with it to go to the moon.

Sam: Good news about Haiti.
Margaret: I say we should've gone in there with four tank divisions and turned the place into a casino.
Sam: Manifest Destiny?
Margaret: Bet your ass.

Margaret: Do I need to explain the rules on making appointments again? Are you confused?
Leo: Get out.
Margaret: I'll jot them down.

Doug: America wants a happy warrior to lead the country, not Dr. Kevorkian.
Josh: It's true, sir - America does not want Dr. Kevorkian to lead the country. We've got polling data on that.

Doug: It's a simple equation. Bartlet rules America; America rocks; therefore Bartlet rocks.
Sam: 'America rocks'?
Toby: 'Bartlet rocks'?
Doug: Yes.
Josh: He really... doesn't... that much.
 

Josh: Why aren't you smiling?
Toby : I'm wet.
Josh: I'm wet, and I'm smiling.
Toby: I'm smiling on the inside.

Leo: With everything that's going on, I don't think we need to be marriage counsellors too.
Toby: Well, yeah, because you and I would be so good at it.

CJ: Our numbers are less than yeasty.

Toby: Wanna play some pool?
CJ: I don't know how to play pool.
Toby: Then you wanna play for money?

Charlie:Aren't you supposed to be writing?
Toby : I am writing.
Charlie: I don't see paper.
Toby : 'We can sit back and admit with great sensitivity that life isn't fair... and the less-advantaged are destined to their lot in life... and the problems of those on the other side of the world should stay there... and our leaders are cynical and can never be an instrument of change... but that, my friends, is not worthy of you; it's not worthy of a president; it's not worthy of a great nation; it's not worthy of America.' Paper's for wimps.
 

Donna: In a free society, you don't need a reason to make something legal.  You need a reason to make it illegal.

(Millicent) Griffith: How's your back?
Josh: There's some pain.
Griffith: It's all in your head.
Josh: Along with all manner of things.
 

Bartlet: I gotta hand it to you guys.  You pulled off a political first.  You've managed to earn me the support of the Christian right and the Cheech & Chong Fan Club in the same day.
 

Bartlet: Charlie, could you arrange for my middle daughter to come see me at her earliest possible convenience?
Charlie: Yes, sir.
Bartlet: Ah, screw her convenience.  Get her ass down here.

Toby: What's this note?
Sam: That note?
Toby: Yeah.
Sam: It says we should stand by the Surgeon General.
Toby: Actually, it says we should stand by the Sturgeon General.
Sam: Does it?
Toby: Yeah.
Sam: I meant Surgeon General.
Toby: I think we should stand by her, too.  I just wanted to make sure we were in agreement that that smoked white fish was pretty much on its own.
 

Toby: We sit and we have coffee and we have danish in the hopes that calmer and, dare I say, prettier heads prevail.
Andi Wyatt: Oh, I miss patronizing, sexist Toby.
Toby: I was referring to myself.
 

Bartlet: You know, we're coming up to the good part.
Ellie: Dad, people are trying to watch the movie.
Bartlet: You wanna bet your tuition no one in this room is gonna shush me?
 

Bartlet: The only thing you had to do to make me happy was come home at the end of the day.

Bartlet: I smoke two cigarettes a day.
Leo: It's a bad example.
Bartlet: For who? Russian spy satellites?

Donna: Can I tell you something about women?
Josh: Oh God, please don't.
Donna: We like to be wooed.
Josh: Donna.
Donna: She wants you to ask her out, Josh.
Josh: She really doesn't.
Donna: You're missing the signs.
Josh: No, I'm really not.
Donna: I know a thing or two about the ways of love.
Josh: No, you don't.
Donna: You're missing the signs.
Josh: I'm thinking of firing you.
Donna: You've fired me twice already tonight; I'm impervious.
Josh: Among other things.

Donna: By the way, right there, back when she said 'see ya,' that was a sign.
Josh: You're fired.
Donna: Impervious.
 

CJ: How you doin', Ainsley?
Ainsley: My mouth is dry, my hands are sweaty and I have to pee.
 

Leo: How you doing, Ainsley?
Ainsley: I'm concerned about peeing on your carpet.
Leo: Okay, well, now I am, too.
 

Bartlet: Is she here?
Sam: Yes.
Bartlet: Where is she?
Sam: She's in the closet, Mr. President.
Bartlet: Why?
Sam: She thought it was a bathroom.
Bartlet: What's she still doing in there?
Sam: That's kind of hard to say, sir.

Kenny: Joshua Lyman, you have the cutest butt in all professional politics.
Josh: Kenny, that better be her talking.

Josh: Is this the Noel Coward-esque wit I can expect all-night long?

Henry Shallock: The president is a good public speaker. We've always known that; it's an admirable talent kind of like juggling.

Sam: There are bathrobes in the gym?
CJ: In the women's locker room.
Sam: But not the men's?
CJ: Yeah.
Sam: Well, that's outrageous. There's a thousand men working here and 50 women.
CJ: Yeah, and it's the bathrobes that's outrageous.

Mrs. Landingham: Charlie, is it possible that CJ isn't wearing any pants right now?
Charlie: Yeah, she sat in wet paint.
Mrs. Landingham: And she's not wearing any pants?
Charlie: Well, she's wearing underwear, Mrs. Landingham. She hasn't gone smokeless.

Ainsley: God! Thanks, Sam, for that debating tip, your feel for nuance. You're saying that I shouldn't be drunk when I'm representing the White House.
Sam: Yeah, and please don't forget you're a blond, Republican girl and that no one likes you.

Donna:... You have to say it. You have to ask a girl out on a date. You can't just randomly tumble into a girl sideways and hope she breaks up with you soon the way you always do.
Josh: Why not?
Donna: 'Cause you can't.
Josh: You just said I always do.
Donna: Josh, I can help you with this or I cannot help you with this. It's up to you.
Josh: Then I absolutely chose not helping me.

Josh: American is talking, and I'm trying to hear what they're saying.
Joey (via Kenny): They're saying that you're an egomaniac who needs to know that the public loves you, and you'll have the numbers in five minutes.

Toby:... I do know that if you combine the populations of Great Britain, France, Germany, Japan, Switzerland, Denmark and Australia, you'll get a population roughly the size of the United States. We had 32,000 gun deaths last year; they had 112. Do you think it's because Americans are more homicidal by nature, or do you think it's because these guys have gun control laws?

Bartlet: What's up?
Ainsley: Mr. President!
Bartlet: I never even knew we had a nightclub down here.
Ainsley: Oh my God.
Sam: Mr. President, I don't believe you've met Ainsley Hayes.
Bartlet: Yeah, Ainsley. I wanted to say hello and to mention, you know, a lot of people assume you were hired because you're a blond, Republican sex-kitten, and well, they're obviously wrong. Keep up the good work.
 
 

Leo: There are a couple three-star generals in there. You call them Lucy, and you're on your own.
 

Bartlet: Leo, were you born at the age of 55?
 

Bartlet: Mr. Sumatra, I understand you're a sports fan.
Sumatra: Yes sir, Mr. President.  Golf.
Bartlet: Okay, well, golf's not a sport.  Don't get me wrong; it's fine and all, but let's not you and I confuse it with things men do.
 

Mrs. Landingham: You're testing that preposterous contraption again.
Leo: It's not preposterous; it's not a contraption and mind you own business.
Mrs. Landingham: In my day, we knew how to protect ourselves.
Leo: Well, in your day, you could pretty much turn back the Indians with a Daniel Boone musket, couldn't you?
Mrs. Landingham: Ah, sarcasm.  The grumpy man's wit.
Leo: Sharpen a pencil, would you?
 

Bartlet: You know what you are?  You're the Charlie Brown of missile defense.  The Pentagon is Lucy.

Bartlet: The words you are looking for are: Oh, good grief.
 

General: Approximately three minutes ago, a missile was launched with a simulated nuclear warhead from the quadraline atoll in the south Pacific.
Bartlet: And it's going to hit my garage in New Hampshire exactly when?
 

Bartlet: In fact, gothic tribes from Sweden played a major role in the disintegration of the Roman Empire, did they not?
Amb. Peter Hans: Yes, they did.
Bartlet: So, you've got that to answer for.

Leo: Is he still holding you responsible for the fall of the Roman Empire?
Amb. Peter Hans: Oh yes.
Leo: Welcome to my world.
 

Bartlet: And we can't take it for granted that everyone pretty much opposes arson?
 

Bartlet: I am a victim to my own purity of character.
Leo: Whatever.
 

Toby: CJ, where are you going?
CJ: New York, New York, Toby.  A town so nice they named it twice.
Toby: What are you doing there?
CJ: I'm receiving the Matrix Award from the New York Women in Communication.
Toby: For what?
CJ: I discovered a comet.
 

Bartlet: John!
Marbury: Mr. President.
Bartlet: It's good to have you here.
Marbury: Your servant, as always.
Bartlet: What made you decide to take the post?
Marbury: I don't know.  I suppose it's possible I was drunk.
Josh: Reasonable bet.
 

Sam: The cynicism of attacking your friends for political gain offends them, and it offends me.  It offends you and there's really nothing I can do to make you feel better about that.
 

Bartlet: Bruce Davis said if I keep this up, he's going to encourage Seth Gillette in a third party bid.
Leo: What did you say?
Bartlet: I said for 50 bucks and a ride to the airport, Gillette can have the job right now.
 

Josh: You know, can I just say this: Why don't we just give the 60 billion dollars to North Korea in exchange for not bombing us?
Bartlet: It's almost hard to believe you're not on the National Security Council.
Josh: I know.  I think they're missing an important voice.
 
 

CJ: Who cares?  It's a breakfast to trumpet a new spirit of bipartisan cooperation and understanding in the new year.  No one's going to be listening to each other anyway.
 

Donna: Josh, CJ needs to know whether she should diss the House or Senate Whip?
Josh and Sam: House.
Donna: Why?
Sam: 'Cause life is tough in the big cruel world, and if he doesn't like it he can kiss me.
 

CJ: See.  You guys thought it was going to take a long time, and it only ended up taking nine and a half hours.
 

Charlie: Sir, sorry to disturb you, but you know how you told me not to wake you unless the building was on fire?
 

Toby: So, with regard to the Patience Bill of Rights, we'll only be debating the things we agree on?
 

Bartlet: I don't care if they call it the Monroe Doctrine.  What the hell are we doing serving Vermont Maple Syrup?
 

Josh: And what stupid, Irish thing did you say to Karen Cahill that you now need me to apologize for at Ben and Sally's like a little girl?... Let me tell you what was surprising about that moment just then.  I said that just 12 hours after you were very cool about my almost, accidentally setting the building on fire.
 

Leo: Tell her that I love her and that I'm sorry, and that I'll take her shoe shopping.
Josh: Why don't you tell her?
Leo: If someone else tells her, it seems like I was thoughtful enough to mention it.  If I tell her, it just makes me seem feminine.
Josh: You don't think the shoe shopping's gonna take care of that?
 

Leo: I don't like dealing with people who are trying to impress me.
 

Leo: There was a freshman Democrat who came to Congress 50 years ago.  He turned to a senior democrat and said: 'Where are the Republicans? I want to meet the enemy.'  The senior Democrat said: 'The Republicans aren't the enemy; they're the opposition.  The Senate's the enemy.'
 

Toby: There should be a fight.  We disagree on something important and immediate.
CJ: Which means there should be a compromise.
Toby: Which isn't going to happen posing for pictures.
CJ: It's not gonna happen eating pancakes either, Toby.  So let 'em shake hands, tell dirty jokes and start the year.
 

CJ: Why were you holding women's underwear before?
Josh: Never really needed a reason.
 

Bartlet: Donna wants me to call Karen Cahill and make it clear she wasn't hitting on her when she gave her her underwear.
Leo: Yeah, that's 'cause I made fun of her shoes, then Sam said there were nuclear weapons in Krygistan and Donna went to clear up the mix up and accidentally left her underwear.
Bartlet: There can't possibly be nuclear weapons in Krygistan!
 

Bartlet: I'm going to bed.  If anybody thinks of new ways for us to make friends, don't hesitate to wake me or, you know, just feel free to start a fire.

Josh: There's $50,000 worth of hospital bills they're saying they don't cover. You know what that means?
Sam: You may have to get yourself a job mowing lawns after school?

Bartlet: Sorry everybody. This is gonna be it. Four is my lucky number
Donna: This is Take Five, sir.
Bartlet: Five is my lucky number. Fifth Take Bartlet, that's what Jack Warner used to call me.
Donna: Did you really know Jack Warner?
Bartlet: Yeah, because I used to be a contract player in Hollywood, and I'm 97 years old.

CJ: Have you noticed that I'm one of the few people around here whose nose is not bent out of shape over Ainsley Hayes?
Toby: Listen...
CJ: I'm serious.
Toby: You heard the news and you slammed the door so hard it broke, okay? You heard the news and you broke the White House.

Ainsley: So you lied to me just then?
Leo: I'm a politician, Ainsley. Of course I lied to you just then.

Ainsley: I just wanna die.
Leo: It's the White House. You'll get used to that feeling.

Tribby: I will kill people today, Leo. I will kill people with this cricket bat, which was given to me by Her Royal Majesty Elizabeth Windsor. Then I will kill then again with my own hands.

Tribby: Who is this?
Leo: This is Ainsley Hayes. She's scared to meet you so be nice.
Tribby: The girl who's been writing the columns? You're an idiot.

Bartlet: Well, obviously, Lionel Tribby is a brilliant lawyer who we cannot live without, or there would be very little reason not to put him in prison.

Toby: His lung was collapsed and blood stopped flowing to his brain. He was supposed to dial up the 24-hour customer care line?

Josh: Did you beat 'em into submission?
Sam: No.
Josh: Did you beat 'em at all?

Sam: Josh, I think you know that for the three months you were out recovering a lot of people were looking for a new legislative avenue for federal law enforcement to get the extremists.
Josh: You could throw out the Bill of Rights.
Sam: Toby tried.
Josh: I was kidding.

Ainsley: Mr. Tribby, I'd like to do well on this, my first assignment. Any advice you could give me that might point me the way of success would be, by me, much appreciated.
Tribby: Well, not speaking in iambic pentameter might be a step in the right direction.

Abby: Where have you been?
Bartlet: I was on a conference call to Cardinal Law and the Archbishop of Chicago.
Abby: You couldn't get off the phone?
Bartlet: Yeah, excuse me Your Eminence, but the First Lady is a little bit randy and she says I'm good to go.
Abby: I am a bit randy, Jed.
Bartlet: Good. Take your clothes off.

Sam: I hate to stick my head in the lion's mouth, but I've gotta ask you: Were you the Recording Secretary of the Princeton Gilbert and Sullivan Society for two years?
Tribby: No, but then again, I'm not a woman.

Josh: Mostly, I just think that a law suit is too small. I can't have it be like I slipped in their driveway. It's different than that to me. I don't wanna sue them.
Sam: Okay. What about the insurance company?
Josh: Them I'll sue. No problem.

Sam: Well, this is bad on so many levels.

Leo: What do you want from me?
CJ: A little love, Leo.

Toby: Honor thy father is not the First Commandment; it's the Third.
Josh: Toby...
Toby: No, if I'm going to make you sit through this idiotic exercise, then we're going to get the Commandments right.
John VanDyke: Then what's the First Commandment?
Bartlet: 'I am the Lord thy God, thou shall worship no other gods before me'   Those were the days, weren't they?

Bartlet:  I want you all to get your fat asses out of my White House.
 
 

C.J.: Sir, this may be a good time to talk about your sense of humor.
President: I've got an intelligence briefing, a security briefing, and a 90-minute budget meeting all scheduled for the same 45 minutes. You sure this is a good time to talk about my sense of humor?

Bartlet: C.J., on your tombstone it's gonna read: "Post hoc, ergo propter hoc".
C.J.: Okay, but none of my visitors are going to be able to understand my tombstone.
Bartlet: Twenty-seven lawyers in the room, anybody know "post hoc, ergo propter hoc"? Josh?
Josh: Ah, post, after hoc, ergo, therefore... After hoc, therefore something else hoc.
Bartlet: Thank you. Next. Leo?
Leo: After it, therefore because of it.
President: After it, therefore because of it. It means one thing follows the other, therefore it was caused by the other. But it's not always true. In fact it's hardly ever true. We did not lose Texas because of the hat joke. Do you know when we lost Texas?
C.J.: When you learned to speak Latin?
Bartlet: Go figure.

Toby: You accidentally slept with a prostitute.
Sam: Call girl.
Toby: Accidentally?
Sam: Yes.
Toby: I don't understand,.  Did you trip over something?

Josh: You're overreacting.
C.J.: Am I.
Josh: Yes.
C.J.: As women are prone to do.
Josh: That's not what I meant.
C.J.: That's always what you mean.
Josh: You know what, C.J.? I think I'm the best judge of what I mean, you paranoid Berkely shiksa feminista!.... Well, that was way too far.
C.J.: No, no. Well, I've got a staff meeting to go to and so do you, you elitest Harvard fascist missed-the-Dean's-list- two-semesters-in-a-row Yankee jackass!!
Josh: Feel better getting that off your chest there, C.J.?
C.J.: I'm a whole new woman.
Josh: You look like a million bucks, by the way.
C.J.: Don't try to make up with me.

Toby: How the hell did I get into trouble?
Josh: Today? All you had to do was get out of bed

Sam: I'm resenting the hell out of this conversation right now.
C.J.: It was tough to tell from your tone of voice.

C.J.: What this is about, Sam, is you're a high-profile, very visible, much-noticed member --
Sam: You just said three things that all mean the same thing.
C.J.: You're not going to let this out of your teeth.
Sam: Can I go now, C.J.? Because what I think it's about is you, once again letting the character cops win in a forfeit because you don't have the guts or the strength or the courage to say "we know what's right from wrong and it's none of your damn business.
C.J.: Really.
Sam: Yes!
C.J.: Strength, guts or courage.
Sam: Yes.
C.J.: You just said three things that all mean the same thing.

C.J.: I thought it was inspired!
Toby: Why do you keep saying stuff like that?
C.J.: Just to watch your face turn that color.

C.J.: Do you think I have an unusually large neck?
Josh: What the hell?

President: Yes, I did a little polish right up there on my feet. Right in front of everyone. I looked at the side at one point, you know, and I half expected to see you coming at me with a salad fork.
Toby: Well, but for the secret service agents restraining me, sir.
President: Thank God for the secret service.

FAN CLUB GIRLS: We love you Josh!
C.J.: It helps not to know him!

Leo: There are two things in the world you never want people to see how you make them:  laws and sausages.

Mandy: They're gonna love you for being broke, Toby.
Toby: I found that. I found that women especially can't get enough of my 1993 Dodge Dart.

Sam: Where are you going?
Josh: Where are you going?
Sam: I was following you.
Josh: I was following you. All right, don't tell anyone this happened, okay?

Josh: President Bartlet's a good man. He's got a good heart. He doesn't hold a grudge. That's what he pays me for.

C.J.: Excuse me, Toby, I was just heading out for lunch and I'm a little short. You wouldn't happen to have $125,000 I could borrow, would you?

Toby: There's literally no one in the world that I don't hate right now.

Bartlet(on pain medication): What's going on here?
Sam: Nothing you need to concern yourself with, Mr. President. Merely a perception issue regarding Toby and the financial disclosure.
Bartlet: Well, I like to roll up my sleeves and, you know ... get involved.
C.J.: Mr. President, did you by any chance take your back pills?
Bartlet: Well I don't mind telling you, C.J., I was in a little pain there.
Leo: Which did you take, sir?  The Vicodin or the Percoset?
Bartlet: I wasn't supposed to take them both?
C.J.: Okay, Mr. President.  We're going to have someone take you back to bed.
Bartlet: No no no. Sit sit sit. One of you's got a problem, and I'm here to help. You guys are like family. You've always been there for me. You've always been loyal, honest, hard-working good people, and I love you all very much, and I don't say that often enough. (to Sam) So, tell me what the problem is, Toby.
Sam: I'm Sam, sir.
Bartlet: Sam, of course you are.
Toby: Sir, the situation basically is this. I arranged for a friend to testify to Commerce on internet stocks, while simultaneously, but unrelated to that, bought a technology issue which, partly due to my friend's testimony, shot through the roof.
Bartlet: Toby. Toby, Toby, Toby. Toby's a nice name, don't you think?
Toby: Can we possibly do this meeting at another time?
Bartlet: No no no, I know my body. I know my muscles aren't, you know... but my mind is sharp. I can focus. I'm focused. You all know that about me. Here's what I think we ought to do.... Was I just saying something?
Bartlet: Before I go, please let me just say this. I'm seriously thinking about getting a dog.

Sam: So how do you feel there, big guy?
Toby: Like I just got screwed with my pants on.

Toby: Mr. President, there's no shame in calling it quits. All you have to do is say, 'Toby, you're the superior athlete,' and slink on off the court.
Bartlet: Do you want to play or do you want to write my eulogy?
Toby: Can I be honest with you?

C.J.: There's an article I want you to read in the New Yorker.
Josh: What's it about?
C.J.: Smallpox.
Josh: The disease?
C.J.: No, the dessert topping, Josh.

Josh:  Is today Total Crackpot Day?

Josh: What did you want to talk about?
Leo: First off, ( slaps him on head) That's for Total Crackpot Day.

Bob: We're a little nerdy, I'll admit.
Sam: You camouflage it well with your clothing.
Bob: I'm used to that, Sam.
Sam: What can I do for you, Bob?
Bob: In a nutshell?
Sam: So to speak.
Bob: We'd like the White House to pay a little more attention to UFOs.
Sam: Are we paying any attention at all right now?
Bob: No.
Sam: Thank God. Like we don't have enough problems with the First Lady and her Ouija board.

Leo: The President's startlingly freakish that way.

Bartlet: Mrs. Landingham, are you drunk?
Mrs. Landingham: No sir.  Now why would I...
Bartlet: I just like asking.
 

Josh: I serve at the pleasure of the president, and it's a great privilege that I will never forget. I can keep this. I think it's a white flag of surrender. I want to be a comfort to my friends in tragedy. And I want to be able to celebrate with them in triumph. And for all the times in between, I just want to be able to look them in the eye. Leo, it's not for me. I want to be with my friends, my family, and these women.

Sam: Okay. I'll tell you what, let's forget about the fact that you're coming a little late to the party and embrace the idea that you showed up at all.

Toby: Five hundred thousand dollars for New York State to restore the home of Susan B Anthony.
Josh: While we're at it, the tile in my shower could use re-grouting.

Josh: Sam, I'm taking Charlie for a beer tonight before the vote. Zoey and Mallory are coming.
Sam: Sounds good.
C.J.: I like beer.
Josh: If you want to come I guess that'd be okay.
C.J.: Why, Josh, you've swept me off my feet.

(discussing Laurie)
Zoey: The hooker!
Sam: Ok. She's not a hooker, she's a call-girl. And how do you know about this?
Zoey: Mallory told me.
CJ: How does Mallory know about that?
Sam: I told her.
CJ: You told our Boss's daughter you slept with a call girl?
Sam: I didn't know she was Leo's daughter at the time, I thought she was a school teacher who came in with her class.
Josh: So you thought you were telling a complete stranger you slept with a call girl?

CJ: She didn't bring my grasshopper?
Josh: She didn't?
CJ: No.
Josh: Maybe she just felt really stupid ordering it.
CJ: The grasshopper is a very respectable drink.

C.J.: Man alive do I love it when In Style magazine is issued press credentials. Mirabella needed to know what wine is being served with the fish course, so it's a good thing I went to school for 22 years.
Josh: What wine are we having?
C.J.: It's wine. You'll drink it.

Josh: What's going on with the truckers?
Leo: I'm meeting with them in the Roosevelt room in an hour.
Josh: C.J.'s gonna need to know what they're wearing.
C.J.: Yeah.

Mandy: It really bugs you that the President listens to me sometimes.
Josh: Yes, but you shouldn't take it personally. It bugs me when the President listens to anyone who isn't me.

Toby: I don't think we should remind people how friendly we were with dictators who oppressed their people while stealing their money.
Sam: How else are you going to steal people's money?
Toby: See that's good, write that in the toast.
Sam: Do you really think it's a good idea to invite people to dinner and then tell them exactly what they're doing wrong with their lives?
Toby: Absolutely. Otherwise it's just a waste of food.

Bartlet: Where's Toby sitting?
Leo: With CJ, Sam, and Josh.
Bartlet: Now that's the fun table.

Josh: I look good tonight, don't I?
Mandy: Yes.
Josh: You look good, too, but I look even better.
Sam: (to Josh) We look good, don't we?
Mandy: Do you guys want to be alone?

Carl Everett: (to Sam) I want to have a relationship with you.
Sam: You want to have a relationship with me? I cost $500 an hour.
Everett: I don't understand.
Sam: Would you like some of my food?

CJ: Danny, when you flirt with me, are you doing it to get a story?
Danny: No, I'm doing it to flirt with you.

Josh: You're quite a nerd, Mr. President.

President: We should organize a staff field trip to Shenandoah! I could even act as a guide! What do you think?
Josh: Good a place as any to dump your body.
President: What was that?
Josh: Did I say that out loud?

C.J.: They were talking about National Parks until two in the morning?
Mrs. Landingham: I'd imagine the President was doing the lion's share of the talking.

C.J.: What do you want me to do?
Leo: Deal with it.
C.J.: You're a real details man, aren't you, Leo?
Leo: Deal with it.

Mandy: Are you listening to me?
Toby: Yes.
Mandy: What was the last thing I said?
Toby: The last thing you said was, 'Are you listening to me?'

Mandy: You guys are idiots. Did you know that?
C.J.: In our own defense, we actally do know that.

Josh: (to Toby and Sam) The two of you need to put your heads down on your desks.

Josh: Who da men?
Mrs Landingham: Excuse me?
Josh: Who da men?
Mrs. Landingham: You da men.

Bartlet: Which one of you is the man?
Toby: On this one, we'd like to think of ourselves collectively as da men, sir.

Toby: C.J., no leaks! If the name of this nominee is leaked out before I want it to be leaked out, I'm gonna blame you and you're gonna find that unpleasant!
C.J.: I gotta tell you something Toby, you're hot when you're like this.

Sam: Is it possible for Peter Lillianfield to be a bigger jackass? You think if he tried hard there's room for him to be a slightly bigger horse's ass than he's being right now?
C.J.: At some point you hit your head on the ceiling, don't you?

Josh: So, five White House staffers in the room, I would like to say to the 1.6 of you in the room who are stoned right now that it's time to share.

Toby: (enters) Good morning. There's no way you saw this coming?
Leo: Toby.
Toby: Leo, I know I'm in your office, forgive me. But nobody saw this coming?!
C.J.: Yeah, I can't believe my psychic didn't tell me, Toby! Rest assured I'm going to get my 20 bucks back!

C.J.: Donnie, will you tell them I'm on the way over to see the President?
Donnie (Secret Service Agent): Flamingo is on her way.
C.J.: What did you call me?!

C.J.: What's your Secret Service code name?
Sam: They just changed them.
C.J.: I know. What's yours.
Sam: Princeton.
C.J.: Mine's Flamingo.
Sam: That's nice.
C.J.: No it's not nice.
Sam: The flamingo's a nice-looking bird.
C.J.: The flamingo's a ridiculous-looking bird.
Sam: You're not ridiculous-looking.
C.J.: I know I'm not ridiculous-looking.
Sam: Anyway for me to get out of this conversation?
CJ: I'm gonna go talk to someone.
Sam: Excellent.

Josh: Where are you going?
Bartlet: A place called Rare Books. You know what they sell?
Josh: Fishing tackle?
Bartlet: Funny boy.

Mrs. Landingham: How are you, Josh?
Josh: I've been subpoenaed.
Mrs. Landingham: Oh, I'm sorry, dear. Would you like a cookie?

Toby: How could the CIA miss 300,000 armed people?
Bartlet: They didn't exactly miss them, in fact they've got a very good photo now.
Toby: Yeah but the idea is to spot them before they cross the border, right?
Bartlet: Yeah.
Toby: Oops.

Bartlet: There's an India expert I want to bring in.
Leo: Who? (Epiphany strikes) No.
Bartlet: You guys are going to love him.
Leo: He's a lunatic.
Bartlet: He's colorful.
Leo: He's certifiable.
Sam: Who?
Bartlet: Lord John Marbury. Former ambassador to New Delhi from the court of St. James.
Sam: Where do we find him?
Leo: A psychiatric institution.
Bartlet: He's colorful, Leo.
Leo: You're really going to let him loose in the White House with his liquor and women.
Bartlet: We can hide the women, but the man deserves a drink.

Bartlet: My daughter asked you out?
Charlie: Yes, sir.
Pres Bartletident: I should have locked her in the dungeon.
Charlie: I don't think you've got one, sir.
Bartlet: I could have built one.

Bartlet: I'll take the Indian ambassador in the Oval Office.
Charlie: Yes, sir.
Bartlet: Then, if you could, ask the Secret Service to step in and kill me, please.

Sam: You're a cheap hack. And if you come after Leo McGarry I'm going to bust you like a pinata.

Marbury: Allow me to present myself. Lord John Marbury. I was summoned by your President.
Leo: Yes, we've met. Ten or twelve times. I'm Leo McGarry.
Marbury: Oh. I thought you were the butler.

Leo: He thinks I'm the butler.
Bartlet: For the first couple of weeks, so did I.

President: Say, listen. My hesitation about you going out with Zoey before, you know, it's not 'cause you're black.
Charlie: I didn't think it was.
President: It's not.
Charlie: I thought it was 'cause I'm a guy.
President: It is.

Josh: Are his glands swollen?
C.J.: Damn.
Josh: What?
C.J.: You know what I forgot to do today?
Josh: What?
C.J.: I forgot to feel the President's glands.

Bartlet: And I see we're spelling "hallo#wed" with a pound sign in the middle.
Sam: We'll fix that.
Bartlet: The pound sign is silent?

Bartlet: I came to this hallowed chamber one year ago on a mission: to restore the American Dream for all our people, as we gaze at the vast horizon of possibilities open to us in the 321st century. Wow that was ambitious of me, wasn't it?

Bartlet: We meant "stronger" here, right?
Sam: What does it say?
Bartlet: "I'm proud to report our country's stranger than it was a year ago"?
Sam: That's a typo.
Bartlet: Could go either way.

Bartlet: Is it possible I'm taking something called "euthanasia"?
Sam: Echinacea?
Bartlet: That sounds more like it.

Toby: You don't look so good.
Bartlet: Well I'm gazing into the 321st century, man, there's a lot on my mind.

Bartlet: I could jump you right now.
Abigail: I could kill you right now.
Bartlet: My thing's more fun.

Bartlet: You know, I was watching a television program before with a sort of a roving moderator who spoke to a seated panel of young women who were having some sort of problem with their boyfriend, apparently because the boyfriends had all slept with the girlfriends' mothers. Then they brought the boyfriends out and they all fought right there on television. Tell me Toby, these people don't vote do they?

Abigail: Why is hallowed spelled with a pound sign in the middle?
President: I stopped asking those questions.

Toby: We're running away from ourselves. And I know we can score points that way, I was a
principal architect of that campaign strategy... But we're here now. Tomorrow night we do an immense thing. We have to say what we feel. That government --no matter what its failures in the past, and in times to come, for that matter-- government can be a place where people come together. And where no one gets left behind. No one gets left behind. An instrument of good. I have no trouble understanding why the line tested well... But I don't think that means we should say it. I think that means we change it.
President: Yeah, I do to. Josh, what do think?
Josh: Well, I make it a point never to disagree with Toby when he's right, sir.

C.J.: Carol, dotting the i, crossing the t's, thank you for that.
Carol: We do our homework.
C.J.: You misspelled senator.

Sam: We never have our chats anymore, Toby.
Toby: What chats?
Sam: Our late-night chats.
Toby: Did we ever do that?
Sam: No.

CJ: I'm a woman in her prime, Josh, I'm a prime woman.

Bartlet: C.J., look.
C.J.: Don't start with me, Mr. President.
Bartlet: I was helping pass the time, I was being entertaining as well as instructive.
C.J.: I'm back in America now; I have rights. I'm no longer belted down next to the passenger from hell.
Leo: Welcome back, Mr. President.
Bartlet: Leo, what are you doing here?
Leo: I needed a minute, sir. How was the flight?
Bartlet: It was great.
C.J.: It was gruesome. If you'll look out the left side of the cabin you'll see the fjords. Then we got a history of the fjords. Then we got a quiz on the fjords. Do you have any idea how much I would like to dress you up in lederhosen and drop-kick you into a fjord?

Mandy: Who was the last president to commute a sentence?
Josh: Lincoln.
Mandy: Abraham?
Josh: No, Bert Lincoln.

Sam: Leo, there are times when we are absolutely nowhere.

Father Cavanaugh: Did you pray?
Bartlet: I did, Tom. I know it's hard to believe, but I prayed for wisdom.
Father Cavanaugh: And none came?
Bartlet: It never has. And I'm a little pissed off about that.

C.J.: Yosh.
Josh: What the hell happened?
C.J.: I had woot cannow.
Josh: What happened to your cheeks?
C.J.: I had woot canow.
Josh: Why are you talking like that?
C.J.: I HAD WOOT CANNOW!
Josh: Yeah, I heard you the first time. I was just amusing myself.
C.J.: I can suwggess some ofwer things you can do wiff yowrseff.
Josh: Are you in pain?
C.J.: I HAD WOOT CANOW!
Josh: You're going to have to stop saying that because you just look and sound so ridiculous.

C.J.: You get hostile!
Josh: I get "hot stuff"?
CJ: Hostile, hostile, you get HOSTILE.

Josh: Hey there cats and kittens, this is Josh Lyman coming at ya with your two o'clock briefing.

Toby: We've been navigating by the north star, which turns out to be the Delta Shuttle from LaGuardia. I'm surprised we're not in Nantucket by now.

Bartlet: Are you telling me that not only did you invent a secret plan to fight inflation, but now you don't support it?

Toby: There's nothing about this that doesn't stink. If it were me, I'd wanna extract vengeance, and I'd say 'Let justice be done.' I'd also wanna spend some time in a dark room alone, so that I didn't have to face my wife and my son and have them see my humiliation. Rob, I can't get this done if this is the story. Can't get it done. Nothing about this that doesn't stink. And nothing about it that wouldn't be better if you were a Supreme Court Justice.

CJ: The Pwesident needs to be bwiefed on the ewents of the day.
Toby: CJ, so help me, if you use the words "Pwesident" or "bwiefed" again...

CJ: He thinks he's so smart just because, you know, he's so smart

Donna: Let's put him on a stamp
Josh: Let's put you on a stamp

Leo: Think of the whales
Bartlet: Do they vote?

Donna: Philately's fun, Josh.
Josh: I'm sorry, what's fun?
Donna: Philately - stamp collecting.
Josh: Okay, be careful how you say that word, because...
Donna: Can we work?

Toby: Well, that's 20 seconds of my life I'm never going to get back.

Donna: Gather ye rosebuds while ye may, Josh. You know what that means? It means you should take this time to gather rosebuds 'cause later on you might not be able to.
Josh: Interpreting the classics with poet laureate Donnatella Moss.

Toby: I just figured out who you were.
Al: He's going to say satan.
Toby: No. You're the guy who runs into the 7/11 to get Satan a pack of cigarettes.

C.J.: Look at this house!
Toby: Yeah.
C.J.: I mean, look at this house!
Toby: It's a nice house.
C.J.: You know...
Toby: What?
C.J.: You haven't said anything about my dress.
Toby: You look very nice.
C.J.: You're not even looking.
Toby: I was looking at the house.

Toby: I'm gonna be over there at the bar, drinking a lot, if anybody needs me.
CJ: Nobody will.

C.J.: Pretend like you're talking to me again.
Sam: Okay, but this time let's use code names.
C.J.: Where's Josh?
Sam: He's over there talking to that woman.
C.J.: Interesting.
Sam: Of course it's possible they're just pretending to be talking.
C.J.: Indeed.

Lily: Your guy has a 48% approval rating. My guy's at 61. And bite me.
Sam: Ah. Point well argued.

Toby: Sam, look at yourself. How much healthier do you want to be?
Sam: I'm just saying that if anybody needs me at lunch I'm going to be at the gym. And that's going to be sad for me because I'm going to live longer than you.

Bartlet: We don't handle my wife. When we try, you know what happens at the other end of this building?
C.J.: You get a little punishment.
Bartlet: I get a little punishment. Screw it. Let's move on. It's not a big deal.
C.J.: Yes, sir.

Leo: Sometimes I don't even know what you're talking about.
Bartlet: Sometimes I'm just making it up.

Toby: You're concerned about American labor and manufacturing.
Congressman: Yeah.
Toby: What kind of car do you drive?
Congressman: Toyota.
Toby: Then shut up.

Josh: You like winning, don't you?
Toby: Saves you from having to say the word please.

Abigail: I concede I was wrong about the thing.
Bartlet: Good.
Abigail: However --
Bartlet: No! No "however." Just be wrong. Just stand there and you're wrong. Listen, be wrong and get used to it.

Danny: How you doing, Mrs. Landingham?
Mrs. Landingham: Fine, thank you, Danny.
Danny: You keep glancing over like you're afraid I'm going to steal something.
Mrs. Landingham: No. I'm just not used to having members of the print media in here.
Danny: I'll try not to get ink on the furniture.
Mrs. Landingham: Aw, Danny. And I was just about to offer you a cookie.
Danny: And now?
Mrs. Landingham: No.

Danny: I'd get in trouble with the First Lady.
Bartlet: Welcome to the club, Danny. We had some jackets made.

Donna: Some medical authorities warned that professional seamstresses' were apt to become sexually aroused by the steady rhythm of the foot pedals. They recommended slipping bromide, which was thought to diminish sexual desire, into a woman's drinking water.
Josh: Why would anyone want to diminish a woman's sexual desire?

Sam: It's my day of jubilee.
Mallory: I despise you and everything you stand for.
Sam: All right, my day was a little bit better a few seconds ago, but that's all right.

Mallory: Don't play dumb with me.
Sam: No, honestly, I am dumb. Most of the time I'm playing smart.

Josh: Leo, I'm a white guy from Connecticut.
Leo: We've met, Josh.

Sam: ...and we're gonna go in there and we're gonna watch CJ do The Jackal. And believe me, if you haven't seen CJ do The Jackal, then you haven't seen Shakespeare the way it's meant to be done.
Toby: You're talking to me during The Jackal?

Sam: "On schedule" is going to be my middle name from now on. Seriously, I'm having it legally changed.
Cathy: What was it before?
Sam: Norman.

Charlie: I hear you burned down the place last night.
C.J.: The Jackal?
Charlie: Yes.
C.J.: I can bring it.

Toby: I feel like I've lost 180 pounds. I am smiling, I am laughing, I am enjoying the people I work with -- I gotta snap outta this. What's on your mind.
Mandy: I want you to help me get the Chinese to give us a new panda bear to replace LumLum.
Toby: Well that did the trick.

C.J.: Cool, I'm gonna go check the want ads.

Bartlet:  (reading "Rules of Civility and Decent Behavior in Company and Conversation" by George Washington): 'When you sit down, keep your feet firm and even without putting one on the other or crossing them. Put not off your clothes while in the presence of others, nor go out of your chamber half-dressed.' What a tight-assed little priss he must have been.

Bartlet: CJ, when in company put not your hands to any part of the body not usually covered.
CJ: Well, I do what it takes to keep the press corps happy, Mr. President.

Bartlet: "Can we get this Godforsaken event over with so I can get back to presiding over civilization gone to hell in a handcart?"

Leo: If we want to walk into walls, I want us running into 'em full speed... And we're gonna lose some of these battles, and we may even lose the White House. But we're not gonna be threatened by issues; we're gonna put them front and center. We're gonna raise the level of public debate in this country, and let that be our legacy.

Sam: You're not calm, Leo, you're acting like a nervous hoolalia.
Toby: A what?
Sam: It may not be a word.  It may just be something my mother used to say.

President: I'm sleeping better. When I sleep, I dream about a great discussion with experts and ideas and diction and energy and honesty. And when I wake up, I think, I can sell that.

President: Listen, Charle, have I gotten any of these names right so far?
Charlie: No, sir, but you came damn close on a couple of them.

Nurse: "Do you have any medical conditions?"
President: "Well, I've been shot."

President: Today for the first time in history, the largest group of Americans living in poverty are children. 1 in 5 children live in the most abject, dangerous, hopeless, back-breaking, gut-wrenching poverty any of us could imagine. 1 in 5, and they're children. If fidelity to freedom of democracy is the code of our civic religion then surely the code of our humanity is faithful service to that unwritten commandment that says we shall give our children better than we ourselves received. Let me put it this way: I voted against the bill because I didn't want to make it hard for people to buy milk. I stopped some money from flowing into your pocket. If that angers you, if you resent me, I completely respect that. But if you expect anything different from the President of the United States, you should vote for someone else."

Toby: I'm just guessing.  I'm pretty drunk.

Leo: Act as if ye have faith and faith shall be given to you. Put it another way, fake it 'til you make it.

CJ: I wanted to mention to you. This is our fifth press briefing since midnight. And obviously there's one story that's gonna be dominating the news around the world for the next few days. And it would be easy to think that President Bartlet, Joshua Lyman, and Stephanie Abbott were the only people who were victims of a gun crime last night. They weren't. Mark Davis and Sheila Evans of Philadelphia were killed by a gun last night. He was a biology teacher and she was a nursing student. Tina Bishop and Belinda Larkin were killed with a gun last night. They were twelve. There were 36 homicides last night 480 sexual assaults. 3411 robberies. 3685 aggravated assaults. All at gun point. And if anyone thinks those crimes could have been prevented if the victims themselves had been carrying guns, I'd only remind you that the President of the United States was shot last night while surrounded by the best trained guards in the history of the world.

Josh: You should be nice to me. I could be dead ya know.
Donna: I don't have that kind of luck.

Bartlet: It's a good idea to be reminded of the awesome impact, the awesome impact... I'm sorry. You're Dr. Jenna Jacobs, right?
Jacobs: Yes, sir!
Bartlet: It's good to have you here.
Jacobs: Thank you.
Bartlet: The awesome impact of the airwaves, and how that translates into the furthering of our national discussions, but obviously also how it can... how it can ... Forgive me, Dr. Jacobs. Are you an M.D.?
Jacobs: A Ph.D.
Bartlet: A Ph.D.
Jacobs: Yes, sir.
Bartlet: In psychology?
Jacobs: No, sir.
Bartlet: Theology?
Jacobs: No.
Bartlet: Social work?
Jacobs: I have a Ph.D. in English Literature.
Bartlet: I'm asking because on your show people call in for advice and you go by the name Dr. Jacobs on your show and I didn't know if maybe your listeners were confused by that and assumed you had advanced training in psychology, theology or health care.
Jacobs: I don't believe they are confused, no, sir.
Bartlet: I like your show. I like how you call homosexuality an abomination!
Jacobs: I don't say homosexuality is an abomination, Mr. President. The Bible does.
Bartlet: Yes, it does. Leviticus!
Jacobs: 18:22.
Bartlet: Chapter and verse. I wanted to ask you a couple of questions while I had you here. I
wanted to sell my youngest daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. She's a Georgetown Sophomore, speaks fluent Italian, always cleared the table when it was her turn. What would a good price for her be? (Pause)  While thinking about that, can I ask another? My chief of staff, Leo McGarry, insists onworking on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly says he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself? Or is it okay to call the police?  Here's one that's really important, because we've got a lot of sports fans in this town. Touching the skin of a dead pig makes one unclean. Leviticus 11:7. If they promise to wear gloves, can the Washington Redskins still play football? Can Notre Dame? Can West Point? Does the whole town really have to be together to stone my brother John for planting different crops side by side? Can I burn my mother in a small family gathering for wearing garments made from two different threads? Think about those questions, would you? One last thing. While you may be mistaking this for your monthly meeting of the Ignorant Tight-Ass Club, in this building when the president stands, nobody sits.

Josh: Toby, what do you say about a government that goes out if its way to protect even citizens that try to destroy it?
Toby: God bless America.

Josh:  Toby, come quick!  Sam's getting his ass kicked by a girl.
Toby: Ginger, get the popcorn!